Moms Talk Q&A: The Overshadowing Effect

Welcome to Moms Talk, a new feature on Kirkwood-WebsterGroves Patch that is part of a new initiative on our Patch sites to reach out to moms and families.

Kirkwood-WebsterGroves Patch invites you and your circle of friends to help build a community of support for mothers and their families right here in Kirkwood and Webster Groves. Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council of experts and smart moms take your questions, give advice and share solutions.

Moms, dads, grandparents and the diverse families who make up our community will have a new resource for questions about local neighborhood schools, the best pediatricians, 24-hour pharmacies and the thousands of other issues that arise while raising children. Moms Talk will also be the place to drop in for a talk about the latest parenting hot topic.

So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation with today's question inspired by our new weekly feature, , which spotlights the achievements of young people.

Question: When one child receives attention from people outside of the family, for instance community members, school officials or the press, how do you ensure his or her siblings feel valued?

Colleen Mehan

Ideally, the family works as a team – recognizing and relying on each other’s strengths, providing support when and where it’s needed most, enjoying each other’s life victories, and knowing that they are each equally valued. And loved.

Children seem to inherently know that they’re part of a team with their siblings. They are parent-provoked synchronized eye-rollers; they run interference for each other at home and away; and they shoot straight with each other when no one else will. They are natural team members.

The awareness that parents need to teach or coach them in is how they contribute to each other’s successes. If one receives public recognition, the others need to know that they were instrumental in that sibling’s success. Likewise, the recognized sibling needs to appreciate that they didn’t get there alone.

For each child who has a turn in the limelight, there are siblings who sat in the stands or helped practice play lines or painted her nails the day she danced with Albert Pujols and landed on the cover of a magazine with him.

Understanding how important we are to each other should start early and be revisited with each success, whether the rest of the world is watching or not.

Pamela Debandt

I don't feel that a child needs to be assured of their "value"  when a sibling earns an award, achieves success or wins a prize. That child deserves the attention associated with that prize.

I believe it's important for family members to recognize that success for its worth. Sometimes, witnessing the success of others is the necessary incentive for others to attempt to succeed if that is important to them.

I always include my children in celebrating the success of others. In that way, they learn to be gracious and perhaps work hard themselves.

Editor's Note: We are actively seeking members for the Kirkwood-WebsterGroves Patch Moms Council. If you would like to be included in the council or have a question for discussion, please e-mail owen.skoler@patch.com. We look forward to hearing from you!